Vanessa Figueroa.
[Part 2/10 of The Body Project]

“Don’t you think you’re pretty?”

 I’ve been asked that question since I could remember. I hated—no I loathed—that question. Did I think I was pretty? Psh! The answer was no.

I wasn’t always like that. I used to think I was pretty, even adorable, up until seventh grade. You see, I grew up with a Hispanic family, (of course), and my mom, aunts, and grandparents would constantly remind me that, since we “looked like them,” we were drop-dead gorgeous.  I remember during my early childhood years, I use to have a confidence that would annoy people. I was a tom-boy growing up, and was okay with that; I had tons of friends and was a pretty happy camper. But then, we moved to upstate New York.

That’s where it all started.

 I attended a school in Norwich, which was a very small town. I was the only tan-skinned girl there. My classes consisted primarily of white people, all blonde-haired and blue-eyed. I didn’t understand why my skin was the color that it was. You see, I was also the only tanned member of my family; I so badly wanted my sister’s pale, olive skin tone. I grew so critical of my tanned skin, I needed to change it! That’s when I found makeup. I started to wear a ton of blush to cover my face. People would always assume that I had either been running or got a really bad sunburn, but I preferred that over my natural skin color. This lasted until I moved to Florida. I remember stepping into my High school and being relieved because there were so many people with my skin color! The only thing is, I grew so accustomed to my “made-up” face that I felt people wouldn’t accept me without it. I remember becoming so attached to this routine, that one day, my dad caught me. He thought I looked so ridiculous with all the makeup that he banned me from wearing it. Yup, he said it, I could no longer wear any type of makeup, or I would be grounded. I was destroyed, but nonetheless I was obedient and started my tenth grade year with a bare face.

That’s when I met my first bully.

He was a beautiful boy who was two years older than me. He would constantly remind me of all the flaws I had, and even introduced to me some new ones! I would walk in high school with my head low because I didn’t want him to look at me. Can you believe that? I became so angry at God for making me the way He did. I would compare myself to all the other “pretty girls” in school and became so disgusted with myself. I would go home and cry and cry, waiting for the day high school would be no more. I became furious with people who complimented me. I would feel lied to, to the point where I made an effort to avoid compliments or pretend I didn’t hear them. I hated every single thing about myself. I soon started to hate my weight; I was always the “skinny girl”. I tried to gain weight but with my metabolism, it was never successful. I would have anxiety attacks before school every morning because I couldn’t find something to wear or how to do my hair. I would get so sick to my stomach because I knew I had to face my bully once I got to school. Then my eleventh grade year began. There, I fell for someone for the first time. And when I say I fell, I mean, I fell hard. That boy became my Everything. When he told me I was pretty, then, and only then, did I believe it. But, of course, like most of all first-loves, it ended. I was so broken; I blamed myself and my appearance. I gave up on ever finding anyone again. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough for anyone and never will be.

And then I began to attend Church by the Glades.

There, my whole life was changed. It was only changed because, through that church, my walk with God was renewed. I was reminded how I was created by a God who makes no junk.  I would look at the sky, a flower that was about to blossom, a bird with amazing, colorful feathers, or even a beautiful sunset, and stand in awe of how amazing my Creator was.

Then it hit me, that same creator whose masterpieces took my breath away, also created ME.

I became so overwhelmed with conviction of how much I bashed God’s workmanship—myself – that I prayed I would start seeing myself through His eyes. And in time, I started to. I started to accept my “flaws”, but also to appreciate them, because my God gave them to me. I started to read His Word, and incredible verses were always being brought to my attention. For example:

Ephesians 2:10,

 “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”

Romans 12:2,

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

and Ephesians 1:18,

 “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people.“

These are not even half of the verses I found. These verses and promises became my daily prayer. I would love to say that my self-esteem was forever changed, but I can’t. To this day, I struggle with my looks, and I still blame any type of rejection on my appearance, but the only difference is— I don’t wallow in self pity. I stand up, dust myself off, and once again remind myself of WHO created me, and what HE thinks of me. And I smile. Because it’s true. We all have been created in God’s image, and my God is far from ugly. HE is beautiful, therefore I am, too.

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These photos help to display the struggles that Vanessa faced with body image, what she looks like without and with make-up, and the cleansing of her insecurities. 

For more information on Vanessa’s story, or The Body Project, please contact me at KathleenSayer@gmail.com

P.S. Vanessa is also on Tumblr! Here is a link to her account.